Yesterday night, on our way back home after getting Krishangi discharged from the hospital, I had an unexpected companion in the elevator. When the elevator door opened on our floor, I saw a cute petite boy - no more than 8-9 years old, and who I had met not so long ago at the same hospital.
'Nitin !! Is that you??' I said.
He looked up but was not surprised to hear his name from my mouth. Not that he had any traces of recognition in his eyes, he just nodded, "Yes."
The next question that came out of my mouth was, "Are you still here??"
He said, "Yes.."
He was the same old self that I had accidentally met three months ago, the same old self except that his skin was peeling off.
The night when I first met Nitin will be fresh in my mind always.
Three months back, I was at Manipal Hospital PICU with my daughter. She had developed Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome and was desaturating rapidly. As the PICU staff gathered around her taking her x-rays and changing her clothers for intubating her, I heard a distant cry of a weak voice. I turned around to see a petite little boy, with eyes of an angel, crying for BADAM MILK (almond flavored milk). The nurse caring for him, kept offering him water and he cried and cried. There was no one else with him - just him and the nurse on duty. My heart melted for him. I so wanted to hold him, hug him and hush him. My heart wanted to go to him but my body was not ready to move away from my own daughter's bedside.
Once, my daughter was put on ventilator, I lost sense of time and my own being till next morning.
Next afternoon, as I was walking out of my daughter's Isolation room at PICU, I heard the same voice, crying again for Badam Milk (Almond flavored Milk). This time, I was determined to bring him a glass of milk, and so went to talk to the duty nurse and take her permission as to whether he is allowed to drink milk or not.
The nurse told me that the boy's name is Nitin. She also told me that he is on dialysis and his chances of surviving is very little. Since, he was not allowed to have dairy products, the only thing I could do was to hold his hand and talk to him. I patted his head. Finally, when he was too tired to cry anymore. I quitely walked out.
Grief is a very strange feeling. Just like death, I feel that grief is a great leveller too. As I prayed for Krishangi's recovery, I also prayed for Nitin. I prayed for his recovery, for him to get well and go back to his home. I was not able to get the images of those tear filled eyes out of my head. And I was grieving for him too.
I kept saying in my heart, "Its not fair that small children have to go through so much pain. And the worst part is that inspite of all the advances that we have made in the medical field, we still do not have enough resources to take away that pain. Why can't all the children be out there on the field, running and playing tags, flying kites, blowing bubbles, whispering secrets in each others ears, laughing and giggling, jumping over the meadows,kissing the dandelions, blowing on them and making wishes??"
The next few days were rough on Krishangi. During those days even though I used to see Nitin's empty bed, I didnot have the strength to ask the nurses what happened to the boy or where did he go. I kept rebuking the thought of him succumbing to his illness.
Finally, I asked a nurse, "Is Nitin okay?? Did he get discharged?", she told me, "He was moved out of the PICU to the Pediatric ward. I dont have any other updates on him."
The next 15 days, as I walked in and out of the PICU first and then the Pediatric ward, my eyes kept looking for him. But, I couldnot see him.
Krishangi was discharged and we brought her home. I also brought home memories of Nitin with me.
That was three months back.
Today, we are going back home with Krishangi. This time, Krishangi was admitted for dehydration, fever, viral infection and stomach bug.
I felt a huge lump in my heart.
Nitin is still here !!
Just, as the elevator door opened and he walked out with his attendant, I told my husband, "Nitin has been here for three months now." He turned around and said, "No, I am here for SIX months now."
He was gone but he took a part of my heart with him. I was left with tears in my eyes. I am yet to see a boy more brave and more strong than him. He is all of 8-9 years, he knows he has a terminal disease, yet, he is HAPPY. His Happiness is a big lesson for all of us - in today's life.
I dont know why, but I feel this huge connection with him. I must have known him in some other life, for my heart keeps getting drawn to him.
"tera mujhse hai pehle ka naata koi, yunhi nahi dil lubhata koi......."
I will always love him and pray for him, pray for his recovery, pray that God bless each of us with a soul and will power like this little young man.
Even though he just said few words, his eyes told me a whole story.
'Nitin !! Is that you??' I said.
He looked up but was not surprised to hear his name from my mouth. Not that he had any traces of recognition in his eyes, he just nodded, "Yes."
The next question that came out of my mouth was, "Are you still here??"
He said, "Yes.."
He was the same old self that I had accidentally met three months ago, the same old self except that his skin was peeling off.
The night when I first met Nitin will be fresh in my mind always.
Three months back, I was at Manipal Hospital PICU with my daughter. She had developed Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome and was desaturating rapidly. As the PICU staff gathered around her taking her x-rays and changing her clothers for intubating her, I heard a distant cry of a weak voice. I turned around to see a petite little boy, with eyes of an angel, crying for BADAM MILK (almond flavored milk). The nurse caring for him, kept offering him water and he cried and cried. There was no one else with him - just him and the nurse on duty. My heart melted for him. I so wanted to hold him, hug him and hush him. My heart wanted to go to him but my body was not ready to move away from my own daughter's bedside.
Once, my daughter was put on ventilator, I lost sense of time and my own being till next morning.
Next afternoon, as I was walking out of my daughter's Isolation room at PICU, I heard the same voice, crying again for Badam Milk (Almond flavored Milk). This time, I was determined to bring him a glass of milk, and so went to talk to the duty nurse and take her permission as to whether he is allowed to drink milk or not.
The nurse told me that the boy's name is Nitin. She also told me that he is on dialysis and his chances of surviving is very little. Since, he was not allowed to have dairy products, the only thing I could do was to hold his hand and talk to him. I patted his head. Finally, when he was too tired to cry anymore. I quitely walked out.
Finally, I asked a nurse, "Is Nitin okay?? Did he get discharged?", she told me, "He was moved out of the PICU to the Pediatric ward. I dont have any other updates on him."
The next 15 days, as I walked in and out of the PICU first and then the Pediatric ward, my eyes kept looking for him. But, I couldnot see him.
Krishangi was discharged and we brought her home. I also brought home memories of Nitin with me.
That was three months back.
Today, we are going back home with Krishangi. This time, Krishangi was admitted for dehydration, fever, viral infection and stomach bug.
I felt a huge lump in my heart.
Nitin is still here !!
Just, as the elevator door opened and he walked out with his attendant, I told my husband, "Nitin has been here for three months now." He turned around and said, "No, I am here for SIX months now."
He was gone but he took a part of my heart with him. I was left with tears in my eyes. I am yet to see a boy more brave and more strong than him. He is all of 8-9 years, he knows he has a terminal disease, yet, he is HAPPY. His Happiness is a big lesson for all of us - in today's life.
I dont know why, but I feel this huge connection with him. I must have known him in some other life, for my heart keeps getting drawn to him.
"tera mujhse hai pehle ka naata koi, yunhi nahi dil lubhata koi......."
I will always love him and pray for him, pray for his recovery, pray that God bless each of us with a soul and will power like this little young man.
Even though he just said few words, his eyes told me a whole story.
Oh Great God, You alone can ease
The pounding of my troubled heart
Only with You I am at peace
For You make all my fears depart
Comfort me with Your blazing love
And pacify my worried soul
Your grace of love from up above
Is healing love that makes me whole
Cast away all my doubts and fears
And lift my downcast spirit Lord
Please let my heart be brought to cheer
By Your comforting love and Word
My body and mind may be frail
But your healing love keeps me strong
Your love will never ever fail
So to me, nothing will go wrong
The pounding of my troubled heart
Only with You I am at peace
For You make all my fears depart
Comfort me with Your blazing love
And pacify my worried soul
Your grace of love from up above
Is healing love that makes me whole
Cast away all my doubts and fears
And lift my downcast spirit Lord
Please let my heart be brought to cheer
By Your comforting love and Word
My body and mind may be frail
But your healing love keeps me strong
Your love will never ever fail
So to me, nothing will go wrong
~ Jocelyn S. Ongdico
